Online dating

So I started online dating, specifically match.com. At first I thought I would never be that desperate but its proved to be quite an adventure. I guess there are a lot of bad apples on sites like these but I've had a pleasent experience so far with most of the people I've met. The hardest part I find is letting someone know you're not interested after you meet up with them.
If anything I'm meeting a wide range of people. I don't really expect a relationship to blossom out of it. But its kept my mind off of other boys...is it wrong that I still think about my ex every day? It's been six months now...when does it stop? I think about him, not in the "omg how do i live without you" kind of way but more in the "wow I just miss you and the friendship we had." maybe i just miss the idea of him...

Is anyone out there?

I guess if you have a blog, especially if it's about being single, your objective for humanity would be to instill some hope in all those single people who are looking for love. After all, that's all we have is hope. Hope that there is someone out there who is looking for us at the same time we are looking for them.
But sometimes I don't feel full of hope. When I read about women who are in their late 30's who are still single and no boyfriend in sight, it doesn't give me much hope. When I read about the divorce rate and how often marriages fail, it makes me lose a little bit of self. How can I possibly believe that there's someone out there for me, who is willing to work as hard as I am to make a relationship work, when everywhere around me, marriages drop faster than it takes to film a Will Ferrell movie?
And even when I do find someone, how will I know to trust my judgment? I thought I had found the one for me. I thought we were going to spend our whole lives together. He knew me better than I knew myself and I trusted him with my life. I knew he would never ever intentionally hurt me or cheat on me. And even then, as much as we loved each other, we couldn't make it work. So how do I trust myself to make the right choice in the future? To know that I am thinking with my head and not just blinded by my heart?
Is there anyone out there who feels the way I do? I'm still so lost. I don't get this, I don't get it at all.

Breaking up is hard to do

Why is it that after you've been broken up a while, you can't remember the reasons you broke up in the first place? I know there are a lot of reasons, but sometimes it's hard to remember just one. It could never work between us, I know this; he's too tempermental, I'm too stubborn. But that doesn't stop me from thinking about him every day. I picture him with his new girl, I picture what it would be like if we ran into each other, I picture being near him, having him hold me.
I miss the way he held me. Will anyone ever love me as much as he loved me? When will all these thoughts about him go away?
I wish I was luckier in love...geez, doesn't everybody?

How are YOU single?

"How is a fine girl like you still single?"
"I ask myself that question all the time."
After a night out at Tentations Saturday, a friend of a friend drove me home and asked me that question. How am I still single? Well I've really only been single for a few months and I've dated two guys(SEE: The Rebound and The Doctor). But I've found that after dipping my toes in the dating pool, I think I would prefer to stay on dry land for a while. That one dip has caused some damage and I think I need more time to fully recover.
But honestly, why am I still single? Why is it so hard to find someone you have chemistry with? People wonder all the time why women hold on to loser boyfriends and men that treat them like shit. Maybe it's because they know what's out there. They know that it's going to be a while of being alone, braving it by yourself, and *gasp* possibly spending Valentine's Day eating chocolate on your stained sofa while watching Titanic and wishing someone would tell you they would never let go.
So when we find someone we have chemistry with, who we feel gaga over, and feel attracted to, then we tend to hold on for dear life and pray that it will work so that we don't have to go back out there. How many times can a girl get her heart broken? How many times does she have to check her phone to make sure you haven't called?
And yet, time and time again, we do it over and over. We'll let ourselves fall, simply and only because, when we fall that's when we know we're alive.

How To Not Look Desperate

When I first broke up with The Ex, I wasn't really looking for a guy. I was just sort of getting used to the idea of being single. When I would go out with my friends, I was focused on enjoying their company rather than which guy I could go and flirt with. For some reason, after The Rebound, I got "OMG I'm single" disorder and went into hyperdrive. I couldn't go anywhere without looking for a guy. At bars, I'd scope around. While driving, I was always looked to see who was in the next car. Running errands, I checked out everyone. It didn't matter where I was, I had one mission: To find a guy.
I don't think this approach worked very well. I seemed to attract douchebags, none that I had any chemistry with, none that I was attracted to. It was as if they could smell the desperation on me. I was pathetic. How could I have let myself stoop so low? I've finally put my mission on the backburner. Instead of actively looking, I'm just going to enjoy the company of whoever I'm with rather than trying to get the cute guy at the bar to notice me. We'll see how well this works out.

The Boys

The Key Players--People to know when reading this blog

• The Ex--Dated for more than four years. Pretty much all through college. He will truly be remembered as one of the great loves of my life. One of my biggest fears is never finding someone else who will love me as much as he did. When you find love like this, it makes your soul sing. We broke up in January of '08. We just didn't have time for each other and it took a major toll on our relationship. We tried to work it out but ultimately it just didn't. As much as we loved each other, we didn't make a good match. His temper, my stubborness. We tried the friend thing for a little bit through occasional emails but when he found out I was with someone new, I stopped hearing from him. Maybe one day we'll be able to be friends, but he's not the kind of guy to get over things quickly. He will forever be the guy I compare all my future guys to.
  
• The Rebound--The very first guy I dated after The Ex. I fell completely hard for this guy, way too hard. He was everything The Ex wasn't. Including a total douchebag, which no matter how many people told me, I just didn't want to believe. After realizing how much of myself and my values I was willing to compromise to be with him, I finally had the courage and strength to let him go.
  
• The Doctor--This was the guy I dated while trying to get over The Rebound. SO basically he was the rebound to The Rebound. Except I had no attraction to him and we had nothing in common. Plus I actually found him a little slimy. There's just no other word to describe it.
  

Ah to be single...

Ok here I am. 24 and single.
Really single. After breaking up with my boyfriend of five years in February, then rebounding a little too quickly, I have finally said "Enough with you boys!"
So I got a new haircut--the first crucial step. I've signed up for surfing lessons, I'm going to take cooking classes, I'm planning a fundraiser, I've joined several networking organizations, I've checked out way too many books from the library, and I'm planning a trip with my girlfriends (unfortunately, most of them are not single.)
That's what I'm supposed to do right? Isn't that what all the self-help books tell you to do? Find things to keep you occupied, or at least distract you from the fact that you're alone with nobody to spoon with and nobody to call after a hard day at the office? hmm, that doesn't sound right.
Maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about The Ex, The Rebound, and The Doctor, but for today, I'm just getting used to this single girl thing...give me some time.